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Hey,
I know you didn't expect to find this. And I know things between us aren't okay right now. But I couldn't let this moment pass without finally saying something I've been holding onto for a long time.
You always asked me when I first knew about you, and how.
Every time, I'd just smile and say I'd tell you when we get married.
So here it is. For the first and maybe the last time.
I first saw you on August 9, 2022. Just a photo of you that landed on my phone. I didn't say anything to anyone. I just kept thinking about it, too scared to do anything. For a whole month I told myself to let it go. But my friends kept pushing me. So on September 13, I finally opened Instagram, found your profile, and typed the most nervous message I've ever written.
You replied.
And everything changed.
We became official on December 31, 2022. Your 19th birthday. But honestly, I loved you since we were 18. There's a lyric that's been stuck in my head since the day I met you. "I have loved you since we were eighteen." That's just the truth. That's always been the truth.
We grew up together. We hurt each other. We came back to each other, again and again, because somewhere deep down I think we both knew what we had was real. And it was. It still is, at least for me.
But I also know I let you down. More than once. More than you deserved. I said things I shouldn't have said. I got angry when I should have just been patient. I made you tired when all you ever deserved was to feel safe. I'm sorry for that. Not because I want anything back. Just because you deserved better than the version of me I kept being.
You're one of the kindest people I've ever known. The way you care for people, quietly and without making a big deal of it. I hope you never lose that.
I'm grateful. More than I know how to say. Out of everyone in this world, I got to be the one who knew you, who got to walk beside you, even just for a while. You taught me what it actually means to love someone and to care for them. I wouldn't take any of it back, not even the hard parts, because all of it led me here, and here is where I finally get it.
Thank you. For every laugh, every late night, every time you chose to stay when leaving would've been easier. Thank you for putting up with me longer than I deserved. Thank you for being you.
When you walk into that room and defend everything you've worked so hard for, I hope you feel how proud I am of you, even from wherever I am. You made it. You really did.
I'm not writing this to ask you to wait. I'm not making any promises. I just want you to know I'm going to be better. Not so you'll come back. But because you reminded me of who I actually want to be.
As for what comes next, I don't know. Nobody does. And I'm okay with that.
I just hope life is really good to you. I hope you find peace, and happiness, and everything you deserve. And if someday our paths cross again when we're both in a better place, well. We never know.
Until then, I'm rooting for you.
Always.
Ferrel